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The Darwin Awards
The Darwin Awards are for people who stupidly exited the gene pool. I got these stories off of the internet but the books are also available.
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Fire Ants
A woman was found burned to death, her body still on fire on a grassy area adjacent to her home in Rome. A lighter and a melted gas can were discovered nearby. After months of investigation, police turned up no evidence of foul play, and believe her demise was due to her habit of dousing anthills with gasoline while she smoked cigarettes. |
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Disco Dork
Paramedics were called to a discotheque in Salt Lake City, where a young man had lost consciousness on the dance floor. Bystanders said, "One minute he was dancing, and the next minute he was lying on the floor turning blue."
The paramedics determined that the man had suffered a heart attack.
His skin was blue from lack of oxygen. Sadly, he died enroute to the hospital.
In the ER, the true cause of death was discovered when they removed his personal effects. It turned out that he had strapped a roll of quarters to his crotch in the hopes of making his equipment appear larger. Unfortunately, the quarters were tied with surgical tubing, which had cut off circulation to his leg.
Apparently the lack of blood flow combined with the exertion of dancing triggered his heart attack.
The moral of the story is: Size does matter. If his brain had been larger, he'd still be alive.
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Amazing
A paramedic responded to a call one day about a man who had fallen off of the second floor of a building, a distance of about 15 feet. The man was on the building construction crew, and had been "fooling around" on the unfinished second floor. Amazingly, after the fall the man landed on his feet. The next moment he began to hollered for someone to call the paramedics.
Nothing SEEMED to be wrong with him, but paramedics were summoned. When my friend arrived, he found that the man had fallen on a metal post of "rebar" and done a perfect ringer. In other words, the post had gone through the man's jeans and up the man's rectum far enough that he could not get himself off of the post without some assistance.
He was extracted from the post and taken to the hospital where the doctor took a look at him and announced that, despite what had happened, the man had suffered very little damage -- just some minor abrasions in his rectum. Because of the location of those abrasions, the doctor gave the man a prescription of antibiotics and sent him on his way.
But the man failed to take his antibiotics and died of infection two weeks later.
Darwin Awards
Bad Aim
When Gerald was pulled over by police for erratic driving, he decided it was better to flee from the stolen car on foot, rather than face possible jail time for a parole violation. This was the first of two successive mental lapses. Gerald’s actual thoughts are unknown, but *may* have been something like this: "The officers are only suspicious and alert now... I’ll make them hot, sweaty, tired, and angry by leading them on a wild chase through dark alleys and fields."
During the subsequent foot chase, Gerald attempted to dissuade officers from the pursuit by firing a 9mm Ruger semiautomatic handgun blindly over his shoulder. This was the second illustration of a potential mental deficiency. "Officers are running behind me. They have guns. I have a gun! They have eyes in the front of their heads, so they can see to aim at me. I don't have eyes in the back of my head, so I’ll fire wildly behind me and see what happens!"
Unfortunately, Gerald appears to have been one of those folks who can't chew gum and walk at the same time. Or at least he couldn’t flee and fire at the same time. While discharging the weapon over his shoulder, Gerald managed to shoot himself in the head with his own gun, bringing the chase to a sudden conclusion.
Four shots were fired, none by the officers, who found Gerald's pistol next to his fallen body. Gerald was transported to a local hospital where he expired the following day, thus removing a set of genes deficient in both judgment and coordination from the gene pool.
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Meow
A Toronto condo resident in Miississauga, Ont., came home with a bag of cement to do some repairs on his driveway. He stored the bag in his garage till needed. His 12-year old son discovered the bag, thought it was cool stuff and proceeded to feed the family kitten with a mixture of wet cat food and cement.
The kitten died within hours on the kitchen floor with a belly hard as rock. The kid, afraid of being found out, shoved the kitten into the waste disposal unit in the kitchen sink. After supper, the mother turned on the unit and a fragment of cement from the cat's belly hit her squarely in the forehead. With a yelp, she collapsed onto the floor while the husband ran into the kitchen and looked into the waste disposal unit. Another fragment of cement went through his left eye into his brain. |
Macho Man
Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Frenchman Pierre Pumpille recently shunted a stationary car two feet by headbutting it. "Women thought I was a god," he explained from his hospital bed.
Deity or not, however, Pumpille is a veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head in 1995. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen turnips, but then one man upped the ante by seizing a chainsaw and cutting off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and, shouting "Watch this then," je swung at his own head and chopped it off.
"It's funny," said one companion, "when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man."
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